LDKBox

In trying to get a grip on my “New Normal” life.  What is new normal you ask?  Well,  it is a term garnered from reading the problems of other oral cancer survivors on the American Cancer Network.   What is the American Cancer Network?  Wait a minute one question at a time.  The new normal is really what life is like after diagnosis,  treatment,  and survival of cancer.  The American Cancer Network is an on-line support group for any one that has any connection to cancer.  It has areas for survivors, family, wives, kids, and other very specific topics.  It is proving to be a wonderful place for me to get a grip on what is actually happening to me.  I know… what took me so long?

I have found that I really do not know much about the cancer that I had.  My original research into the subject was minimal.  I found out it was real serious with low survival rates.  I forget the correct percentage (could be I’ve blocked it out of my mind).  Yesterday, Ellen,  informed me that I was adamant not to get a food peg(tube) put in prior to treatment(they did anyway).  They also put in a IV port.  A double port in my case.  Little did I know how many times that I would be pricked with a needle in that IV port.  Just like a pin cushion.  I can honestly say (and I told this to my wife,  Ellen,  as well) I do not remember saying, ” I did not want a food peg.”  What was I thinking?

When first began reading the posts of the American Cancer Networks I was surprised at the stories of the pain that people endured while under treatment for chemo and radiation.  I was lucky I had the treatment team and the health facilities of the US Army.(I am not a veteran my wife is the veteran.    I was lucky to have support from friends, family, and my wife to make the ordeal manageable for me.  I did not feel good the entire treatment.  I guess that is suffering?  I did not feel like I was suffering.  Still don’t as far as that is concerned.  I felt weak.  I felt embarrassed.  I felt sorry for myself(still do I guess).  But I did not think of it as suffering through the treatment.   There were  to many people that were dying in front of my eyes as each days attendance  showed as the faces of those afflicted became shallow and pale as the chemical and radiation took there toll.  I looked into the mirror each day but did not see my own decline.  I was losing weight.  I was way to heavy.  I actually weighed 340 pounds at my heaviest.   So losing weight was a good thing.  I suffered trying to lose weight when employing a diet.  I hate almost everything that is good for me(one of the reasons why I was so fat).  In retrospect one could call it suffering.  It is hard for me to say it and mean it.  It is not like I had a choice.  It was literally do or die.  I wasn’t brave enough to choose death.

I suffer from guilt.(Why am I so lucky?)  I suffer from anxiety(will I have to do this again?).  I suffer from fear(not knowing who I am now).  None of the pain that I felt during treatment made me feel like I was suffering.  I knew why I had a sore throat(they were radiating my body).  I knew why I couldn’t swallow(my tongue was grotesquely swollen) .  I knew why I had a headache(chemo drugs invaded and killed my body cells).  Why is it that mental pain hurts much more than physical pain.  Probably because one doesn’t know the “why” in the world of the unknown?  I chose not to suffer from the pain of treatment.  Why is it so hard to accept the “new normal?”  What is it about the new normal that  makes me think I am suffering?  Isn’t it time to get over it?  (that’s rhetorical…lol!)  Well…duh!!!

Comments (0) Nov 12 2009

Yesterday,  I wrote of the death of a friend.  Funny… I feel happy for him.. because I know that he is free of pain.  All the stuff that happens with cancer the pain is the most miserable.  Drugs help manage the pain but does nothing to help manage the life which is creating and enduring the pain.

I have to think of his wife.  Alone and full of questions.  Knowing the answers does not mitigate the fear that is created when formulating a plan.   TMO…(to many options) …it is a bane as far as I am concerned.  Do the right thing comes to mind.  That in and of itself is pretty basic.   Yet,  the way the permutations of each decision multiply into unknown territory the ability to make a right decision without the feeling of guilt that  is brought about when one is trying to make the right decision is a difficult task.

I will suggest to Shelli that she try to deal with her feelings using the stages of grief to help her through the understanding of the whole situation.  Today my mind is calm.  I have had to many days of the ups.  To many days of the downs.  I like calm.  Peace is something that one wishes for when times are hard.  John had many hard times.  ”Faught it(the cancer) like a tooper!” Were  Shelli’s  words.

When I received  an email from a friend about John Mills I did not at first realize that it was a forwarded message from Louetta Shiplett.  I  have know and worked with Louetta many years ago and always found her to be of good character.  Early in my construction career I worked with her husband, Ron, on the paving crew of H&H Contractors.  He was the paving foreman and she in turn worked in the office of the company and often was assigned to scale house duties.  So I had a lot of contact with these people. Most of it was through work but I have had occasion to  meet with and communicate with them outside of work as well.  In my opinion they are real salt of the earth kind of people.  Only need to mention this is the fact that the forwarded email was from Louetta who is housing,helping and consoling all at the same time while Sherri is in Washington State.  Kidos should be given to Ron and Louetta for being the good people that they are and I am patting myself on the back for seeing that in them years ago.

I am a lucky fellow.  Shelli’s call about her husband must be my wake up call.  I need to get a grip.  Today is the new normal   So what?  So get up and start the new normal.  What is the alternative?  Yet another new normal is it not?  As I have always said to my wife.  We can only play the cards that we are dealt.  Nothing wrong with holding them close to the chest but you have to play in this game.  Folding is not an option.

Comments (0) Nov 06 2009

It was important for me to receive so many emails today  from friends to help my inner feelings.  I am at a mental low today.  Getting these emails from friends and family is a real life preserver.

I received a call today from friends in Alaska.  They are about 45 or so.  Worked with him for years and respected his ability to handle equipment.  He in turn thought the same of me.  Not many ever hands let me know that they appreciated my abilities so we became mutual admirer’s.  He always smiled when he saw me coming onto the job site with my tractor and trailer.  He told me once that my skills were over looked.  Hey, why wouldn’t I like this guy.  Seriously,  it was good to work with someone that appreciated what you did for them to make their job easier.

Today I received a call from his wife, Shelly.   John had contracted  cancer sometime in 07.  We had been in communication with each other periodically.  I called a couple of times while they were out.  I knew that they were doing something important so thought nothing of the return call left unanswered.  Both of us were sick and fighting cancer.  John and I  had a special bond for we were both blessed with a child after almost giving up on that particular possibility for a myriad of reasons.

It was a good story until today.  Shelly,  John Mills wife,  called me today to inform me that John had passed away on November 3, 2009 in Oklahoma City at a cancer treatment facility.  She spoke well of the facility and staff.  She that John was a trooper right up until the end.

He fought hard and still lost.  I don’t fight at all and I keep getting better.  He leaves a wife of twenty years and a five or six year old daughter.  I am sad for their loss.  Yet I am humbled that this family would consider me in their hour of grief.  I hate it and I love it.  I need to get some help to get a grip. I cannot say that we were close but I can say that he respected me as I did him.  He was  good man.  Take a moment to remember this man as my friend,  for he was…. in construction terms ..”A Real Hand”  and I hope someday someone will say the same for me.  May he rest in peace.

Comments (0) Nov 06 2009