LDKBox

In trying to get a grip on my “New Normal” life.  What is new normal you ask?  Well,  it is a term garnered from reading the problems of other oral cancer survivors on the American Cancer Network.   What is the American Cancer Network?  Wait a minute one question at a time.  The new normal is really what life is like after diagnosis,  treatment,  and survival of cancer.  The American Cancer Network is an on-line support group for any one that has any connection to cancer.  It has areas for survivors, family, wives, kids, and other very specific topics.  It is proving to be a wonderful place for me to get a grip on what is actually happening to me.  I know… what took me so long?

I have found that I really do not know much about the cancer that I had.  My original research into the subject was minimal.  I found out it was real serious with low survival rates.  I forget the correct percentage (could be I’ve blocked it out of my mind).  Yesterday, Ellen,  informed me that I was adamant not to get a food peg(tube) put in prior to treatment(they did anyway).  They also put in a IV port.  A double port in my case.  Little did I know how many times that I would be pricked with a needle in that IV port.  Just like a pin cushion.  I can honestly say (and I told this to my wife,  Ellen,  as well) I do not remember saying, ” I did not want a food peg.”  What was I thinking?

When first began reading the posts of the American Cancer Networks I was surprised at the stories of the pain that people endured while under treatment for chemo and radiation.  I was lucky I had the treatment team and the health facilities of the US Army.(I am not a veteran my wife is the veteran.    I was lucky to have support from friends, family, and my wife to make the ordeal manageable for me.  I did not feel good the entire treatment.  I guess that is suffering?  I did not feel like I was suffering.  Still don’t as far as that is concerned.  I felt weak.  I felt embarrassed.  I felt sorry for myself(still do I guess).  But I did not think of it as suffering through the treatment.   There were  to many people that were dying in front of my eyes as each days attendance  showed as the faces of those afflicted became shallow and pale as the chemical and radiation took there toll.  I looked into the mirror each day but did not see my own decline.  I was losing weight.  I was way to heavy.  I actually weighed 340 pounds at my heaviest.   So losing weight was a good thing.  I suffered trying to lose weight when employing a diet.  I hate almost everything that is good for me(one of the reasons why I was so fat).  In retrospect one could call it suffering.  It is hard for me to say it and mean it.  It is not like I had a choice.  It was literally do or die.  I wasn’t brave enough to choose death.

I suffer from guilt.(Why am I so lucky?)  I suffer from anxiety(will I have to do this again?).  I suffer from fear(not knowing who I am now).  None of the pain that I felt during treatment made me feel like I was suffering.  I knew why I had a sore throat(they were radiating my body).  I knew why I couldn’t swallow(my tongue was grotesquely swollen) .  I knew why I had a headache(chemo drugs invaded and killed my body cells).  Why is it that mental pain hurts much more than physical pain.  Probably because one doesn’t know the “why” in the world of the unknown?  I chose not to suffer from the pain of treatment.  Why is it so hard to accept the “new normal?”  What is it about the new normal that  makes me think I am suffering?  Isn’t it time to get over it?  (that’s rhetorical…lol!)  Well…duh!!!

Comments (0) Nov 12 2009