LDKBox

2010 is looming as December 2009 draws its last breath and things I have to look forward to have come to the fore.  Memories are the first thing that come to mind.  As in what lays a head?  Will they be life enhancing or will it be detrimental?  Memories of the past often are signs of the future.  So is it against the law to begin a memory before it starts?  Well,  if that it is wrong I am going to try and change that law.  Why can’t events in my life have a planned purpose?  It would seem that taking an active part in my future prior to experiencing it would be a good thing?  Indeed it would!  Good idea…eh?

Hey,  I have had a lot of good ideas.  I remember back in 1983 having a need for a cover ( this is before tonneau covers that are ubiquitous now)on my truck bed to protect boxes which contained milk meters that I used to test milk production of area dairy herds for DHIA(Dairy Herd Improvement Association).  I used some plywood which I painted, a piano hinge, a few 2×4′s, and some wood screws that I had at the farm.  Simple and rudimentary,  yet it did serve my purpose.  It was a prototype.  All of my friends laughed at me when I placed it on my brand new truck.   Especially after I ran into a ditch during a snow storm in January 1984 on an Iowa farm road where it remained in the ditch.  Essentially becoming firewood and not to be resurrected again.  OK… I said it was a good idea.  So what if it was a bad prototype.

That memory is something that I can use for the future.  I need to go about building a prototype of my future.  (OK, readers this is not a new idea… of that I am fully aware)    Visualize it and it can become a reality.  Like the prototype afore mentioned memory of a future can be built but it is built from need and not experience.  Many years did I dream of the future.  Each season I made the trek to the union hall to  find the job that would supply me and my family with the needs of the upcoming year.  I knew my limits so my expectations became real the more experienced that I became in the construction trade.  I had tangible experiences to make reference to how life could be for me and my family.

As a cancer survivor my future tends to be more immediate.  Much to my detriment, unfortunately.  It is hard to visualize a future with out the tangible experience.  I remember trying to get over the anxiety created when I had to wait for a friend who was on an airplane that was delayed.  Nothing I could do about it but I still obsessed over it  I also remember being asked a question and coming apart at the seams while having no understanding as to why it was bothering me.  I remember being so happy completing my treatments and heading home.  A week later I remember collapsing in my home for no apparent reason other than weakness.  Non of these are good for future dreams others than to have to worry about any of these maladies coming to a head again some time in the future.  I must add one last note…I did make it.  That is a good thing!!

Which brings me to the point of today’s little blog.  On the 12th of January I go to  San Antonio, Texas to have a Pet/CT scan to find out if I am still cancer free.  I likened  this trip to my seasonable trip to Alaska.  It is an experience that has been a positive for me.  The journey that cancer has given me has few bad memories.  There was pain, fear, and trepidation.  Although none of them a good thing.  Now as a memory it gives me strength in knowing that I have had a good run so far.  I can use the positive memories the many Pet/CT sans that I have had in the past and make it a tangible good experience. Although the physical pain is gone now I can still have fear and trepidation just like I had done so many years when I would trek to Alaska. I know my limits.  I need to maintain my faith in God.  My expectations have become real.  So it is my expectation that the tests will remain positive.

The last thing to mention in this blog is the fact that no matter the outcome I have faith that God will lead me through the needs and the experiences and be better for it.

Comments (0) Dec 28 2009

Yesterday,  I wrote of the death of a friend.  Funny… I feel happy for him.. because I know that he is free of pain.  All the stuff that happens with cancer the pain is the most miserable.  Drugs help manage the pain but does nothing to help manage the life which is creating and enduring the pain.

I have to think of his wife.  Alone and full of questions.  Knowing the answers does not mitigate the fear that is created when formulating a plan.   TMO…(to many options) …it is a bane as far as I am concerned.  Do the right thing comes to mind.  That in and of itself is pretty basic.   Yet,  the way the permutations of each decision multiply into unknown territory the ability to make a right decision without the feeling of guilt that  is brought about when one is trying to make the right decision is a difficult task.

I will suggest to Shelli that she try to deal with her feelings using the stages of grief to help her through the understanding of the whole situation.  Today my mind is calm.  I have had to many days of the ups.  To many days of the downs.  I like calm.  Peace is something that one wishes for when times are hard.  John had many hard times.  ”Faught it(the cancer) like a tooper!” Were  Shelli’s  words.

When I received  an email from a friend about John Mills I did not at first realize that it was a forwarded message from Louetta Shiplett.  I  have know and worked with Louetta many years ago and always found her to be of good character.  Early in my construction career I worked with her husband, Ron, on the paving crew of H&H Contractors.  He was the paving foreman and she in turn worked in the office of the company and often was assigned to scale house duties.  So I had a lot of contact with these people. Most of it was through work but I have had occasion to  meet with and communicate with them outside of work as well.  In my opinion they are real salt of the earth kind of people.  Only need to mention this is the fact that the forwarded email was from Louetta who is housing,helping and consoling all at the same time while Sherri is in Washington State.  Kidos should be given to Ron and Louetta for being the good people that they are and I am patting myself on the back for seeing that in them years ago.

I am a lucky fellow.  Shelli’s call about her husband must be my wake up call.  I need to get a grip.  Today is the new normal   So what?  So get up and start the new normal.  What is the alternative?  Yet another new normal is it not?  As I have always said to my wife.  We can only play the cards that we are dealt.  Nothing wrong with holding them close to the chest but you have to play in this game.  Folding is not an option.

Comments (0) Nov 06 2009

It was important for me to receive so many emails today  from friends to help my inner feelings.  I am at a mental low today.  Getting these emails from friends and family is a real life preserver.

I received a call today from friends in Alaska.  They are about 45 or so.  Worked with him for years and respected his ability to handle equipment.  He in turn thought the same of me.  Not many ever hands let me know that they appreciated my abilities so we became mutual admirer’s.  He always smiled when he saw me coming onto the job site with my tractor and trailer.  He told me once that my skills were over looked.  Hey, why wouldn’t I like this guy.  Seriously,  it was good to work with someone that appreciated what you did for them to make their job easier.

Today I received a call from his wife, Shelly.   John had contracted  cancer sometime in 07.  We had been in communication with each other periodically.  I called a couple of times while they were out.  I knew that they were doing something important so thought nothing of the return call left unanswered.  Both of us were sick and fighting cancer.  John and I  had a special bond for we were both blessed with a child after almost giving up on that particular possibility for a myriad of reasons.

It was a good story until today.  Shelly,  John Mills wife,  called me today to inform me that John had passed away on November 3, 2009 in Oklahoma City at a cancer treatment facility.  She spoke well of the facility and staff.  She that John was a trooper right up until the end.

He fought hard and still lost.  I don’t fight at all and I keep getting better.  He leaves a wife of twenty years and a five or six year old daughter.  I am sad for their loss.  Yet I am humbled that this family would consider me in their hour of grief.  I hate it and I love it.  I need to get some help to get a grip. I cannot say that we were close but I can say that he respected me as I did him.  He was  good man.  Take a moment to remember this man as my friend,  for he was…. in construction terms ..”A Real Hand”  and I hope someday someone will say the same for me.  May he rest in peace.

Comments (0) Nov 06 2009