LDKBox

I was diagnosed in February 07. Stage IV carcinoma of the tongue. I do not know the names of the stuff I took. But I had chemo and radiation at the same time. The first, third, fifth, and seventh week with chemo. Two bags of fluid each day while in treatment. I guess I was lucky that the chemo never made me sick. The radiation went well until the last two days  when my skin fell off and remained a raw open sore for over two weeks.

I went home after the treatment thinking that now I could get on with my life. Unfortunately that has not been the case for me. I am still mixed up. Easily distracted. Concentration is fleeting. Listless and lethargic.

The treatment were, at the time of my initial diagnosis, easy. I did not lose a lot of weight either using a food peg. It wasn’t until after the treatment that my problems began. Swallowing for me was non-existent for me for over a year. Aside from water and medication I did not swallow or eat anything. I had terrible phlegm that just did not end. I carry a can to spit into. It is terrible and nasty looking but since I had so much of it I had to do something and swallowing the stuff was impossible.

My voice has been effected. I used to be a baritone and now I am a squaker. Hey…I can talk. that is all that matters..right?

All the treatments can be very debilitating but the after effects were way more than I would have ever imagined. Almost three years cancer free and it is work for me to type this post. I still have a hard time concentrating. Desire has seemed to leave me. I should be glad that I am alive but I just don’t care. This is not the way that I was pre- cancer.

I want me back. I just don’t seem to be able to find him. I certainly don’t recognize the person I am now as normal. At least when I compare what I once felt like to what I feel like now. Is all of this stuff worth it? Just ask my nine year old and he will answer, “Affirmative!!”

I want anyone who is taking treatment for cancer to not think that just because you are through with treatments it does not mean that the healing process is over. No one told me that I would get sicker and weaker for three or four months. No one told me that it would be 18 months before I would swallow food. Of course I did not ask either. I assumed. Boy was I wrong.

I see so many cancer survivors out there doing good works and being active. I on the other hand have to plan my day so as not to over exert myself and have enough energy to take my son to weekly Boy Scout meeting. I used to work seven days a week 12 to 16 hours a day in camps on the oil fields of Alaska. Now I cannot even mow my lawn with out taking a break. When done with the lawn so am I.

I am cancer free. I spent a year thinking that once the cancer was gone that I would get better. Thank goodness I found a doctor who started treating me rather than the cancer. Going though a cancer factory can be intimidating. Have a doctor that will treat the entire person is probably my most important advice to anyone heading into treatment. I wish that I had known that going into treatments rather than wait as long as I did.

Comments (0) Nov 05 2009

I am OK.  That is the punch line from an opening sequence from abTV show in the 80′s called “Hercules”.   As the show starts we have Hercules and his side kick walking down the road when all of a sudden the earth shakes and you hear this deep resonating and forceful voice demanding action be taken or heads would roll.  Curious, Hercules and his companion venture forward toward the voice.  It is here that a picture of a four story Cyclops man shackled at the ankle with only a very short chain tetherattached to an anchoring link inset into the ground.  When seeing the duo the Cyclops spoke again.   This time with even more temerity and rancour in his voice as he threaten the two men with harm if they did not stop to  help him free him .   Of course Hercules was not even the least bit disturbed by the words of the shackled Cyclops and said as much to the monster.  This in turn made the Cyclops outraged. He stomped his foot and the earht shook momentarily.  He growled and roared and quickly advanced upon the duo, who at this moment must have been experiencing some fear and trepidation as this menace advanced  on them with intent to do harm.  But the duo  stayed their course and waited for the onslaught of the menacing Cyclops.  All of a sudden there is a screen shot of the earth shaking again.  There was a thunderous crash and the voice of the Cyclpos gasping as the duo dust themselves off from a plomb of dust.  Then there is heard…a not so menacing  but somehow humble voice in the background, after a very pregnant pause say,  “ I am OOKKKAAAAYYYYYY.  I AM ok.  I’m ok….?  The duo walks on by the Cyclops just out of his reach.  Of course the Cyclops is now singing a different tune and is now pleading with the duo to help him out.  End of story.

Kellen has been sick since last Saturday night so I needed to go to the school and retreive his homework for the day and return to the house.  I seem to have contracted the virus that Kellen had so I am in the dumps and in terrible temperment.  (I know….all of you are thinking…Kirk..?  No Kirk would neeevvveeerrr get angry.  LOL!)  I had been to the school earlier in the morning to get the information needed  for Kellen’s homework but the teacher was in a meeting with the school staff until 8:45 am.  So I left and returned at 8:45 to get the materials from the teacher.  It was at the school office that I was informed that I would not be able to walk through the halls to get the materials.  I am not allowed to walk the halls during school hours.  Yet,  two mother’s of children attending the same school. came to the office and were allowed  to walk those same halls to enter a classroom for observation.  I did not want to enter to observe.  All I wanted to do was talk to the teacher about my son’s schoolwork.  I don’t care if this is for security of the school or not.  I am not happy to have access to my son denied for any reason and at any time that I so desire.  This is not a jail.    I am not a security risk.  Would I sign in if I was a risk?  I have been allowed many times previously to walk the halls but somehow I am not allowed to do that any more.  I am not a happy camper at this point.

The school secretary left me stansding at the info/reception counter to find the teacher and get my son’s schoolwork.  Unfortunately I cannot say if she told me that particular bit of information because I am afraid I may have been not listening when she left the office.  The only thing I knew at that juncture was that I was not able to access my son because of some security measure that is not protecting the school or its students by denying me access.   I am not a threat!  (insert big angry Cyclops wail.)  The people that I was dealing with knew that I was not a threat but enjoyed using their control in an obtuse,  yet…  by the book… way.   I must be losing my touch because in days gone by security would have been called and trouble would have been at my doorstep soon after arriving home.  I guess that I am like the cyclops and the two school staff personnel that I dealt with are  like Hercules the TV show stars.  Even though I spoke in an evil monstrous tone with an evil eye like the Cyclops.  Spewing this and that.  (Not one word of what I said could not be said in the presence of my Mother.) Yet ugly was in the air.  After some tense minutes waiting at the counter the secretary appears with homework in hand and I leave quietly but I am sure that there were fumes still lingering when I left. (Remember this is my story and I can tell it anyway i want.)

Now please consider ,  the big ugly Cyclops(me) is riding his bike back to the house after the school incident.  The folder,  with assignments, and textbook in the right hand.  Somehow this novice biker managed to stay upright for a few blocks with only one hand on the handlebars of a new bike that I had just purchased.  I planned on going slow because of my unfamiliarity.  The excitement was over and I was retreating to the confines of my house.  As I approached the intersection of my home and the thorough fare that I was biking on,  a car,  approaching from my rear traveling in the same direction as I,  made a right turn at the corner intending to travel the same direction as I intended to travel after making the same right turn onto the street.  Right of wieght must prevail.   Under normal circumstances this would not have been a problem. Had I two hands.  Instead,  my only alternative was to clasp the handbrake of the front wheelwith my left hand which in turned toppled me head over handle bars strait to the side walk that I had beentraveling on as I approached the street on which my house is situated.  All in front of the young man in the Mustang,  who… by turning when he did,  through  no fault of his own,  started this Rube Goldberg series of events.  After plopping onto the sidewalk with a thunderous clunk and cracking my skull. scraping my left foot,  and cutting a few fingers  all I could manage to say with the most sheepish of voices was, ”I am OOKKKAAAAYYYYY,  I AM ok!  I’m ok…?  The young man in the Mustang was visibly concerned for my welfare. After asking if I was alright and I assuring him that I was,  he drove away shaking his head only after watching me pick up all of Humpty-Dumpty’s pieces and humbly walk towards my home with Kellen’s school work in hand and me walking the last block to my house bleeding from four or five different spots on my anatomy. .

In retrospect, I must indeed curb these rages that I still have in my body.  I am not a force in life as I once thought.(WHO IS…???) Nobody trembles in my wake.   Possibly this is a sign of maturity.  Although, I will fight you tooth an nail before I would admit it.  Maybe God provided the driver of the  Mustang as my tether, not unlike the Cyclops of which I have spoken,  to put me back in focus to what is really important in  my life.  Quibling about access to my son in school is most likely  not a battle with which I should pick.   Fighting a battle to have access to my son in school to end up  losing access to my son in school because of that battle is not a battle that I wish to engage.  So …I am ok with it.   Now….after making a fool of myself, in front of teacher, a secretary, and a stranger.  Not unlike Mr. Cyclops.  I AM OK…???!!!

Comments (0) Sep 11 2009

I woke up this morning thinking of a long time friend from my youth.  He was a very smart and talented guy.  He really was very philosophic.  Give him a beer, a bar, and some locals of the town and he would soon have everyone in stitches.  Together, Jerry and I had many conversations about farming, local politics, and family.  In one of those conversations it had been mentioned about the responsibility that parents endure for the shaping of a human mind.  When this information came to the fore I did not have any children.  I admit that I was wishing and hating all at the same time for Jerry’s lifestyle.  I am now in Jerry’s spot just 30 years later.  My thoughts run parallel to Jerry’s musings during the 70′s.  Mostly,  we have kids as the common denominator.  I remember this quote from Jerry as if it were said  a minute ago.  He said, “It is a heavy responsibility to mold a child’s mind.”  Who would of thought that a thirty year old quote from a deceased friend of my youth would be the topic of the day for my blog?

Shaping a child’s mind, body, and soul can be daunting, demanding, and challenging.  Yet the return yielded by the investment into a child’s body, mind, and soul  are off the charts.  My friend Jerry was a very smart man.  I went to school with him.  Some things you can’t hide and Jerry being smart was one of those things.  Now I,  on the other hand,  while not being dumb I can honestly say no one ever said that I was tooooo smart either.  This morning I really relate to what Jerry was trying to convery to me.  If Jerry can question his own abilities on shaping his own child’s life then surely I may,  as well.  

Last night my son”s chest was congested.  His stomach was a little upset and he was feeling  over all.  pretty bad but not bad enough to lay down during the day when it was play time but  bad enough to make it uncomfortable breathing when he found the lights off and it was time to go to bed in his room.  He ended up sleeping with us last night.  He couldn’t sleep in his room.  It took 30 seconds after the lights were turned out in our room and he was asleep.  There was no doubt that his breathing was difficult.  One could hear the congestion as he coughed and sniffeled.  I fell asleep worried about the health of my son.  I found it very difficult to rest last night.  Consequently I arose earlier than usual.  With in minutes Kellen was in the kitchen with me.  Sitting in the kitchen with my son on my lap is an experience that will never to be equaled.  He felt so bad physically and was very comforted as we sat for a moment with my arms around him while  at the kitchen table.  The feeling is a culmination of giving, sharing,trusting, caring, and loving the one your with.  If I could bottle it I would.  For I would be a millionaire  monetarily immediately.  I will non the less be content with being a millionaire mentally.  The experience of bonding with my son can not be anything other than priceless. 

My son woke up this morning rubbing his eyes.  He always triesto rub the sleep away.  As he entered into the kitchen he padded through the entry with an accumstomed gate of an experienced dirt hand heading to his dozer to start his shift on the road crew.   As he plopped down unto my lap.  (Notice I said down…he is almost as tall as his Mother) We both had a deja vu’ moment from the previous nite.  As he hugged me he whispered in my ear,”Thanks for taking care of me, Daddy.”     PRICELESS!   Need I say more?

Comments (0) Sep 09 2009